A Message from Jesus to “Christian” Trumpers

I sometimes come down to Earth to see how some of my followers are doing, just for shits and giggles. I just want to see how the human race is doing; no big deal.

However, the last few times I went down there, I was a little disturbed by some of what I saw and heard, so I asked Milt to write down what I’m about to say. This is important, and I know a certain type of “Christian” won’t frequent this blog, so pass this on to all the self-described evangelicals and other assholes who claim to be followers of mine, but who have no clue what I tried to teach when I was here the last time.

I mean, I know the last time I was there for an extended stay was 2,000 years ago, but for my sake, a lot of you use my name a lot and you claim to pray to me, but in reality, you aren’t even trying to do good and make yourselves worthy of the term, “Christian.” I mean, I gave you explicit instructions for treating each other, but there are still so many of you who call yourself “Christian” and simply don’t act like it. It’s appalling how many so-called “Christians” support policies that achieve the exact opposite of what I asked of you, and do so in my name. You should be ashamed. The fact that you’re not belies your self-designation as “Christian.”

So many of you people obsess over two things I never discussed in my time here. I never mentioned either homosexuality and abortion because I don’t care about them. There is a little blurb about men sleeping with men in Leviticus and Paul (formerly Saul of Tarsus) essentially repeated that nonsense in one of his letters, but he doesn’t speak for me. How could he? The man killed thousands of Christians and never submitted himself to the law to pay for that. Instead, he claimed he saw me in a vision and decided to pretend the past never happened. That’s not how this works, you know? I’m not a wizard like Harry Potter (although I love those books) and I don’t project my hologram at will, not that I would know how to do that, anyway;’ I’m not very good with computers.

Anyway, I digress. LGBTQ people are born that way. What about anything you have read about me indicates that I would have any problem with someone acting on their natural instincts? In fact, those “Christians” who constantly abuse their gay brothers and sisters by denying them their human rights are probably less likely to find Heaven than the gay people they are targeting. I love LGBTQ people, but I despise hypocrites.

As for abortion, well… let’s just say the human race is at capacity right now. You can’t feed yourselves and you don’t have enough space for everyone to live comfortably. Abortion is one way to keep the population down, and I have no problem with it. Here’s an idea; if you don’t want people to have abortions, then stop adopting policies which encourage it. All you so-called “Christians” advocate for is the outlawing of abortion and the criminalization of women who want one. Not only are you not following my teachings, but to hand the government the power to force women to stay pregnant against their will also givers the same government the power to force them to abort when circumstances change, so it’s not even logical. And while you obsess over the fetus, once the child is born, you absolutely suck at taking care of the children once they’re born.

Consider this; the leading country in the free world (which is the type of world I prefer, by the way), the United States, has a healthcare system in which people are actually prevented from getting the healthcare they need if they don’t have a ton of money. People are dying because they can’t afford a doctor and people with insurance are still losing everything they have ever worked for because they get sick and can’t afford life saving treatment. That is not what I taught you when I was living on Earth, and what the books you worship tell you I said. If you want to get to Heaven and sit at the right hand of the Father, I told you, you must take care of the weakest of you. That means caring for the sick to the best of your ability.

Yours is the richest country in the world and the only one in which self-described “Christians” are trying to prevent the creation of a system that would allow anyone who is sick or injured to receive medical care, regardless of wealth. That would be bad enough, but they are trying to sabotage or eliminate the policies and programs that were put in place in 2010 to cover most people who were previously not covered. Ironically, the people who are trying to deny millions of people healthcare are those most likely to parade their Christianity around for the world to see. And for the record, I instructed you people to keep your religion close to the vest; to be humble in your faith. Every time you brag about what a great Christian you are, or you hold your faith up as a badge of honor, you are violating my teaching.

These same self-described “Christians” also violate my teachings with their approach to immigration. Earlier this year, that rust-colored asshole you people elected to be president actually ordered a “zero-tolerance” approach to immigration that banned people from coming here from other countries south of the border, even if they were being tortured and/or abused. This is not what I taught you, people. I don’t even believe in country borders. I said, if someone comes to you for help, you have to help them. Instead, they’re coming to your country’s doorstep because they are being oppressed and abused in their own country and you are summarily sending them back. Oh, but you so-called “Christians” made the problem even worse.

In the process of throwing people out of the country just because they were brown, your GOVERNMENT, led by that Trump asshole, actually ripped thousands of children away from their parents and threw them into cages like animals. Now, you know how I feel about the children; why would any of you think this was okay. Ironically, I see atheists with more compassion for these children than many “Evangelical Christians.” Worse, the whimper I heard from these same so-called “Christians” when it was discovered that the incompetents you elected didn’t even keep track of the kids and the parents, so they could be reunited later, was embarrassing to me. To this day, a month or more after the date the courts ordered the children reunited with their parents , more than 500 of them are still being held in cages and other places. There is a real possibility that your “Christian nation’s” government created hundreds of permanent orphans. Like I said, what is it about men teaching that makes you think you’re properly pious when you attack women for aborting fetuses and sit by quietly while your government creates brown orphans.

Just as an aside, I was brown; I was not the white European portrayed in that painting every “Christian” has in their home, somewhere. I had olive skin, dark kinky hair and I was Hebrew through and through. When you turn away brown people at the border and you refuse to put out the welcome mat for thousands of refugees from the area where I grew up, I take it personally because I assume you will reject me when and if I come back someday.

Really, “Christians,” does your government creating orphans sound like something I would be happy with? And yet, very few of the loudest and most obnoxious “Christians” have not stepped up to protect these children, and they support Trump unabashedly.

Speaking of which, let me take this opportunity to make this clear right here and right now;

Those so-called Christians who claim God supports Donald Trump as president and claim Dad and I are giving him my unconditional support, or that Dad and I “appointed him” president are LYING. They are violating several Commandments, and they are violating my teachings. Do you idiots realize how insulting it is that you think Dad or I would support a narcissistic billionaire who has never done a thing for anyone but himself in his 70-plus years of life to be the leader of what you people call a “Christian Nation”? He not only doesn’t have my support, but I am calling on the “Christians” in your country to use their power to get him the hell out of that.

In point of fact, Dad and I tried to warn you. We gave you Hillary Clinton, who is easily the most qualified person to ever run for president, as a worthy successor to the wonderful Barack Obama. She actually embodies Christian values. I mean, actual Christian values, not that bullshit you “evangelicals” obsess over. Hillary has always advocated for children, the poor and women; Trump has never advocated for anything but accumulating more and more money for himself.

Throughout his career, Trump has spent a lot of money he didn’t have to buy and build things no one needed. He has sued thousands of people just because he knew they couldn’t afford to fight him in court. He actively tried to get out of paying contractors and others who did work for him and he declared bankruptcy numerous times as a way to get out of paying hard working people what he rightfully owed them. Does this sound like someone I would support?

Trump has been credibly accused of rape or sexual assault 19 times, which usually means there are at least 50 victims out there. He admitted to sexually assaulting women on an infamous tape you so-called “Christians” heard just before you voted for his sorry ass. Do you really think you are doing God’s will by voting for a philandering, xenophobic narcissist over a woman who has dedicated her life to public service? Based on what, exactly?

You people are just not following my teachings, at the same time you proclaim yourselves devout “Christians.” Ironically, that is the very definition of using my name in vain. It’s not saying, “Goddammit” when you hit your thumb with a hammer; the definition is to use my or Dad’s name to ask for something or to brag about what a great God lover you are.


Also published on Medium.