Boehner’s Lasted More Than Four Hours! Call Someone!

How far the neocons
in the Republican Party have come, eh? 
You have to love their leader in the House, don't you?


Their leader during
the "revolution," way back in 1995, was Newt Gingrich. Say what you
will about Newtie (and believe me, there is a lot to say, and I've said it all
over the years), but he was a skilled politician. He's not as bright as he thinks
he is, but his political skills were actually quite good, at least when it came
to phrasing his bullshit.  I remember
when I was very young, and he was brand new to politics, and running as a
liberal Republican in Georgia. I met him when he was trolling other liberal
Republicans for support. He only had to lose two elections before he realized
where the party was headed and promptly changed every single one of his core
political principles so that he could win.


If he had actual
core political principles, he might still be in power today.


After Newtie was
dethroned because of his lack of principle and his wandering pecker,  he was replaced by a twosome; Dennis Hastert
as Speaker, and Dick Armey as Majority Leader. 
Once more, the GOP was led by people who had zero principles, but the
political skill to pull off the trick of doing the exact opposite of what the
Republicans said they would do, while sounding like they’re keeping their
promises.  Hastert was a master at making
sure Democrats had as little input into the process as possible, all the while
looking reasonable and fair, while the unfortunately named Dick Armey (rumors
that he had been forced to change his name from Penis Marines are unfounded)
drew the resulting firepower away from Hastert, which allowed Denny to get his
work done, and screw the country for a generation.


While the Republican
Party has been an unmitigated disaster for quite some time, one of the most
frustrating aspects of Republican rule has always been their ability to look
reasonable, and to come off as tough and strong, which actually served them
well. Voters want to see strength and resolve. One of the reasons Barack Obama
or Hillary Clinton were going to win the last election for president is because
both of them look as if they believe in something; they project strength and
leadership. As difficult as it is to admit, most of the time, the Republican
Party leadership looked more like leaders, mostly because they seemed to
strong, and determined to impose their crap on the rest of us.


Unfortunately, the
country's changed, but the Republican Party hasn't. So, look at what they point
to for leadership, folks; one of the biggest pussies in the history of American
politics, House Minority Leader John Boehner (pronounced "Boner." I
know a lot of people pronounce it "Bay-ner, but the relevant English rule
we all learned in elementary school and Schoolhouse Rock was, 'when two vowels
go walking, the first one does the talking." Got it? It's "The Boner.)


On first blush, The
Boner seems like every other neocon politician. He preaches about everything
the current Republican "base" loves to hear, on issues like abortion
and gay marriage, and he has an almost religious passion for tax cuts. In other
words, he's a typical neocon. But there's something about him that makes one


The first thing you
notice when you look at The Boner is that goddamn tan. It's obvious he has it
sprayed on, probably daily. Seriously, the man's district is in Ohio, and he works in Boner1
Washington, DC. It's February on the East Coast! Even George Hamilton wouldn't have kept a real tan there this time of year, and he's a professional.

The second thing you notice is the glazed-over look in the eyes. I tried to place the look some time ago, and I finally figured it out; it's the same look my brother used to have when he would get off work early, and get home late. I have no idea if The Boner is a heavy drinker, but he has a drunk's eyes, for sure.

Then there's that voice. There's something about the voice that makes one think of a used car salesman, or Elmer Gantry; one of the other. It's always overmodulated and exaggerated, and he always sounds as if he is trying to make you think that he thinks that whatever he's speaking about is the most important thing in the world. I'm not saying that he's capable of sounding sincere; that would be giving him too much credit. No, he's capable of making himself sound as if he gives a shit about issues about which he cares very little.

(I know that makes no sense, but he's a neocon, for crying out loud. You expect a description of their belief system to be rational?)

But my favorite thing about The Boner is definitely his ability to fake sincerity. It's truly the most entertaining aspect of his "leadership style." See, when we're not looking, The Boner is threatening other Republicans with annihilation, should they against what he says Republicans are supposed to be for. How do I know this? Do you honestly think ZERO Republicans wanted the current stimulus package to succeed? There are a lot of Republicans in districts that would receive direct aid from the stimulus package; of course they're in favor of it. But they weren't allowed to vote for it, because they want to keep their jobs.

That's privately, however. Publicly, The Boner demonstrates the political instincts of a complete moron. When asked what he didn't like about the original $800 billion stimulus package, this nitwit cited the $50 million or so to be used for family planning. He had to know that was only put in there so that it could be stricken from the bill later; family planning isn't going to stimulate much, economically.

You've all seen The Boner demonstrate his penchant for phony sentimentality, when he went on the floor of the House, and tearfully demanded that the House fund the Iraq War, because the safety and secutiry of the American people was job one. Of course, he didn't explain how getting more of them killed accomplished that, exactly but dammit, he was sincerely trying to pretend that he was sincere. He damn near pulled it off.

Then there's The Boner's thingBoner2crying for Anna Nicole Smith. I'm not sure why The Boner has a thing for Anna Nicole, but he does. Who can forget the time he stood before the House, and tearfully invoked her name? It was perhaps the first time he revealed for us his completely out of touch 
leadership style, when, with tears in his eyes, and holding aloft a photo of Anna Nicole, he once again implored the country to pull together, and send even more money to Iraq, to send more soldiers to their deaths, because — and I swear I am not making this up — the “destructive partisan bickering” in the House was preventing them from getting to the business the American people actually cared about, such as protecting all Americans from enduring the same sort of exploitation suffered by Smith (whom I would remind you was already dead by this point) and her daughter (who was an infant, and unaware of anything but a need to take a shit and eat something at that point in her life.)

“We will refocus and reunite the Republican Party around the family values that Americans have entrusted to our stewardship. (…) It brings tears to my eyes to consider the repeated genetic testing
that her lifeless body has had to endure,” stated Boehner, “to say
nothing of watching a poor innocent infant bandied about for a week
like a multi-million dollar football. This is not what the culture of
life is all about. This is Terri Schiavo all over again, and it’s all
because we were blocked by the liberal Democrats from getting it right
the first time.”

The man has a fake tan, a phony voice, he lies like a rug, and his flair for theatrics is something out of a high school musical, and I'm not talking about Disney.

He is out of touch, phenomenally stupid, and he has no clue what the people in the United States at large, or even his district, want from him at any given time. He is a walking example that the Republican Party is over and done with. His tantrum on the floor of the House yesterday, in which he whined and pissed and moaned because the Democrats didn't wash his bnky properly before they shoved it back in his mouth, was petulant and childish and unworthy of any Congressperson.

The Republican Party has become whiny and petulant and irrelevant, and The Boner is its perfect spokesman.


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