Flashback: How to be a Republican, But Not a RINO!

bush_finger2This is what you have to believe if you’re to be called a “real Republican.” Of course, the next logical question would be, why would anyone want to believe any of this crap? And right wingers who happen upon this list; come on, you know I’m right.

  • You have to believe that 309 Accomplishments by President Obama mark him as a failure, but George W. Bush was a great president because he said what you wanted to hear.
  • You have to believe that the 13 attacks on embassies that occurred while Bush was “prez’dint” was no big deal, but the two under Obama are the worst tragedies in the world.
  • You must believe that states’ rights are the most important thing in the world, unless a state funds Planned Parenthood, legalizes marijuana or assisted suicide, gives protection to gay people or makes it easier to vote. (They also refused to accept states’ embracing of gay marriage, until they were forced to do so.)

  • You must believe that government should stay out of our personal lives, except when it comes to what you read or smoke, who you have sex with and certain medical decisions, if you’re a woman.
  • You must also believe that the government is better able to make the decision of whether or not you should be pregnant than you are.
  • You must believe that liberals are the ones obsessed with victimhood, even as you constantly whine about the constant “attacks” on Christianity and Christmas, the fearmongering over Syrian refugees and Muslims in general, the constant whines about “activist judges” and the “gay mafia.”
  • You have to believe that “trickle down” economics is always a winning strategy, despite two massive recessions, but raising the minimum wage.
  • You must believe that trade with China is morally right and essential to the economy because, look at all the cheap crap, but trade with Cuba is intolerable because “Commies” and (probably) because their medical community boasts of cures for diseases that Big Pharma makes a ton of money on.
  • You must believe that being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime – unless you’re a millionaire right wing radio gasbag who works as a mouthpiece for your party, at which point it becomes an “illness” and requires prayer for “recovery.”
  • You also must believe that the ACLU is a “subversive” organization, except when they’re protecting said gasbag.
  • You must believe that black people who smoke pot and spend 2o years in prison, white police officers who shoot unarmed black men and aren’t even charged are both perfect examples of “justice.”
  • You must believe that those born to privilege achieve success on their own, but all of the people who put them there are lazy and stupid.
  • You must believe that ethics are an inconvenience that only stupid Democrats bother with, and that any way you raise money is okay, so long as you don’t get caught.
  • You must believe that foreign aid to support the poor and victims of war is a drain on the economy and welfare for deadbeat countries, but giving Israel whatever it asks for is our highest national priority.
  • You must also believe that Israel is the key to the end times, so even though you don’t like Jews out of “principle,” you have to support Israel without question.
  • You must believe that folks who work for their money should be taxed at a higher rate than those who get their money for nothing. In fact, you believe that rich people should be exempt from taxation.
  • You must believe that being “morally upright” means hating gays and liberals, and hating anyone else who doesn’t hate gays and liberals. In fact, it means hating anyone who isn’t you.
  • You must believe that racking up huge amounts of debt and handing it off to future generations is worth the few thousand extra in tax breaks given to your wealthiest “investors.”
  • You must believe that deficits and debt are only bad when Democrats are in charge.
  • You must believe that 5% unemployment under Obama means the economy is worse than the 10% unemployment under Bush or Reagan.
  • You must believe that the Dow increasing from 6,500 to 18,000 is an indication of a bad economy, while dropping from 14,000 to 6,500 is a sign of economic genius.
  • You must believe God gave you “dominion” over the planet and that means you are perfectly okay with destroying it.
  • You must also believe that all science is bunk if it cuts into profits.
  • You must also believe that all science is theory, but your misinterpretation of the Bible and the Constitution is absolute fact.
  • You must believe that climate change is a hoax, but Intelligent Design is good science.
  • You must believe that no Republican is crooked, as long as he says the right things and writes you a big enough check.
  • You must believe that “Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to China and India.
  • You must believe that encouraging corporations to move their address offshore to avoid taxes somehow makes them “patriots.”
  • You must believe that, while a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, huge multi-national corporations can be trusted to make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.
  • You must believe that Jesus loves you, but shares your hatred and distrust of the poor, homosexuals, people of color, immigrants, the Clintons and the Obamas.
  • You must believe that the best way to show appreciation to the troops is to cut their VA benefits and make them wait longer for medical care.
  • You must think that keeping sex education and birth control out of schools is the wisest course, because without them, teenagers will never have sex.
  • You must also believe that abstinence is the best way to prevent unwanted pregnancy, unless your last name is Palin.
  • You must believe that forcing bankrupt people to pay their bills is a much more important problem than addressing how they got there in the first place.
  • You must believe that ISIS just magically appeared after the pullout that Bush negotiated and that it’s all Obama’s fault, even though everything that led to it happened under Bush.
  • You must believe that the Bill of Rights is absolute in the case of the Second Amendment, but the rest of the document is negotiable.
  • You must agree that the adulterous affairs of Democrats require public embarrassment and impeachment, while those of Republicans are a private matter, and excusable because, well, “boys will be boys” (or girls).
  • You must believe that everything that Democrats do should be public knowledge, but that the public has no right to know anything that Republicans do.
  • You must always deride a Democrat’s change of mind and philosophy as a “flip-flop,” while referring to Republican flip-flops as “growth.”
  • You must agree that the outcome of an election is always more important than making sure everyone got to vote and that all votes were counted.
  • You must agree that income tax cuts for the rich are good for the economy, while payroll tax cuts for the working class are bad.
  • You must believe that Jesus not only loves you, but also shares your love of guns and hatred of People of Color, gays, refugees, Muslims, undocumented immigrants, Barack and Michelle Obama and Bill and Hillary Clinton.
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