I have a message for evangelicals:
There will be no
rapture anytime soon, and if the world ends, it will be because humans
destroyed it, not God. We’re not even close to the end times, so you can all relax and enjoy life like the rest of us.
And I know that, because I received the information from Jesus himself. He really did, I swear. Let me tell you what happened.
It was a short time
ago. I was sitting on the couch early Saturday morning, eating my Frosted
Mini-Wheats and watching baseball playoff highlights (how about those Rockies,
eh?), when there was a knock at my door. I peeked out of my front window to
see a short black man with a small paunch, a smart-looking Afro, and a short-cropped salt-ad-pepper beard. Even if he hadn’t been habitually
scratching his palms, I’d have recognized that face anywhere.
I swung open the door
and greeted my old friend. "Jesus Christ! It’s been a long time! How the hell have you
well," Jesus Christ replied warmly. "Can I come in? I have something I need to
talk to you about."
"Of course, old
friend," I said, as I waved him inside, and to a seat on my couch.
"Want something to eat? Coffee?"
you," He said. "I could use some water, though. I’m fasting for
I said, and I went to the kitchen and ran a huge glass of water. I handed it to
him, and he drank it as if he hadn’t had anything to drink in some time.
"Thank you, my
friend," Jesus responded. "Now, there’s something I need to tell you;
a message that you must send to everyone you can possibly touch. It’s very
"Well, I don’t
know how many people I can reach," I told him. "I’m just one blogger
out of a billion."
"Well, I don’t
expect everyone to get it," Jesus snapped. "In fact, a lot of people
will be very mad at you for even passing along this message."
"Okay, so what’s
the message?" I asked.
"I want you to
tell every so-called evangelical asshole
you know or can reach, that the end times are not near, at least not in Earth
years, and that every single time they try to create one, they make asses of themselves."
Jesus reached into the
bag he was carrying and pulled out a homemade DVD. On the DVD, he had written
with a Sharpie, "Why Jesus Freaks are Going to Hell." He held it up
and asked me if he could play it.
"Well, of course
you can," I said. "Want me to put it in for you?"
"Well, of course
not!" Jesus snapped. "I made the damn thing myself on my laptop, so I’m pretty sure I can
use a DVD player."
He put the DVD in and
played the following:
After the video, Jesus
He only wept for about a minute, however, and once he’d recovered, he was pissed.
"Can you believe that so-called ‘Christians’ like this idiot actually think they’re closer to getting to heaven by propagating and selling this bullshit?" Jesus shouted. "These assholes have to get the message that God doesn’t work that way; he’s not going to save idiots like this fat, bloated, rich moron, and kill everyone else. I said ‘Blessed are the meek’ a long time ago for a reason! And if God was going to end the world, he sure as shit isn’t going to do it on cue from those idiots! These people are actually agitating wars all over the world, because they’re trying to set up Armageddon! They always refer to Islamic fundamentalists as evil, but why is it more evil for them to commit violent acts because they claim God told them to, than so-called Christians starting a war based on hearsay about what God or I said?"
"I’m just curious," I said. "Why are you coming to me to send out this message? Why didn’t you go straight to some of their leaders?"
Jesus laughed out loud at that. "You know the answer to that! Most of them live in gated communities that would never allow someone of my, um, complexion, to set foot inside without an engraved invitation. And when I have tried to visit some of the ones who live in regular neighborhoods, some called the cops on me, and one of them sic’d his specially trained dog on me. I still have a scar on my ass from that one. Before I came here, I went to see a couple of these guys; one of them threatened to shoot me if I didn’t get off his porch. And get this; out of the corner of my eye, I saw that guy had one of those pictures of me as a white guy from Sweden or some shit, with the long straight hair and beard. Do these people have a clue where I even came from? Do they think I just dropped out of the sky after being shot from Scandinavia or some shit? Oh, and the other one — the one who had his security guards escort me to the county line — that guy had a plastic idol of me and my mother on the dashboards of both of his SUVs."
"Why don’t you just tell them who you are?" I asked.
"I do that!" Jesus shouted. "What, do you think I’m stupid? I tell them who I am, and they think I’m just some nut case. They don’t listen to anything I have to say, because they don’t believe I am who I say I am. That’s why I’m here talking to you today. I want you to tell everyone that the world will not end anytime soon, unless someone besides God ends it. All of these assholes who are telling everyone that I’m about to come again and that the world is just about to end are spouting fairy tales. I even said when I was here before that the end would be totally unexpected, and that no one would ever know before it happened. Why don’t they ever listen to what I said, instead of listening to all of these morons who read a lot more into Revelations than should be read. God will decide if and when he will end the world, and He’s not even close to ready yet. So I want you to write something and post it on your blog and everywhere you can, especially places where Jesus freaks hang out, and let them know all of this, and if they don’t quit bullshitting normal people, they’ll have a lot more to fear from God than anyone else, because nothing pisses Him off more than false prophets and charlatans."
"Okay, Jesus," I said. "I promise, I’ll write something."
"And make sure the jackass in that video gets it, too," Jesus pleaded. "That guy and the one who keeps claiming that God’s giving him weather forecasts are going to get a big surprise when they finally meet their doom."
"Well, I’ll make sure they see whatever I write up."
After another glass of water, Jesus hugged me, shook my hand, and walked to the bus stop. He had a stop to make at a local homeless shelter. It’s funny, but they always recognize Him.
And I am keeping my promise. I always do what Jesus tells me.
<video courtesy of Rack Jite– http://rackjite.com