Open Appeal to Caribou Barbie: Please Go Away!

Seriously; when does
Caribou Barbie actually go away? Is there any way to speed up the process?


I get the media's
fascination with her; I really do.She's comedic gold. I know, every time I see her, the one-liners flow like the oxycontin dispenser at Limbaugh's house. In my experience, I can't remember a
political train wreck lasting so long. This is starting to remind me of the
time Lawrence Taylor broke  Joe
Theismann's leg on Monday Night Football in 1985. I was working at The
Federated Group in West Los Angeles at the time, and we had about 100
televisions tuned to that, and ABC was sure to show Theismann's leg break over and
over and over, in slow motion for what seemed like hours.

It was gruesome. And watching Sarah Palin isn't entirely unlike that.


What the hell
possessed John McCain to choose this woman as his running mate, anyway? I'm not
a huge McCain fan, because I disagree with him on most policies, but he seems
at least a step or two ahead of morons like John Boner (sp?) or Mitch
McChinless, in that he actually seems to think once in a while. He must have just looked at pictures of Caribou Barbie, however; there's no way she
spoke to him and enthralled him. I guess there could have been sexual favors involved, but I'd like to give McCain a little more credit than that, and I would like to prevent further nightmares from interrupting my sleep patterns. Perhaps 24 years earlier, McCain was one of
those who taped the football game and kept watching the leg break over and


I saw a news article
the other day that reported that nearly three-quarters of Republicans plan to
vote for her for president. First of all, who gives a shit? I'm a huge Obama
supporter, and I can't even tell you how I'm going to vote for president 40 months
from now. Therefore, anyone who answers a question like that is kind of stupid,
anyway. The problem is, no Republican has ever won the presidency without
getting at least 85% of the Republican vote, and that was back before
the numbers of Republican voters had dwindled to a handful. Last I saw, the
number of voters who described themselves as Republican was below 25%. I know
this is math, but has anyone told Caribou Barbie, or the nimrod wingnuts who
keep touting this  number as proof of something special that three-quarters of a quarter means you have a
hell of a long way to go to get to half.


Not that she's ever
going to run for president, anyway. Hey, brainiacs on the right! If she was going to run for
president, she'd be padding her resume, not stripping it bare. Oh, sure;
the true believer wingnuts will vote for her because she's cute and
"folksy" and because she says all the bullshit they want to hear. But
who else is going to vote for someone whose main job is as full time mother (there's nothing wrong with that, but it doesn't qualify someone as president!),
and whose entire political experience consists of two terms as mayor of a small
town (and she even screwed that up), and half a term as governor of what is essentially a socialist state, before she quit for a bunch of reasons she
lied about (she's not costing her state a dime in legal costs; the lawyers working on her ethics complaints were on retainer), as leader of the free world. Look, as much as I despise George W.
Bush, he was more qualified going in than Caribou Barbie. Now, look at
everything he screwed up and ask yourself; do we really want someone with even less
experience running the country?


No, she quit to make
money, folks. You'll see. She'll make millions on a book tour, for example although I'd advise her not to repeat the same mistake "Joe the Plumber"
(who's neither a "Joe" or a plumber, by the way) made with his book tour. He should have stuck with signing books at Wal-Mart in rural areas, where they don't have access
to journalists and talking heads who actually tell the truth. Joe learned this the hard way, when he
scheduled stops in places like Washington, DC and New York City, and no one
showed up because, well, that pick-em-up truck they paid cash for back in 1965
woulda overheated if they'd a tried to drive down them big streets.


Just watch. Within
weeks after she gives up her job as Governor of Alaska once and for all, she'll
turn up all over the media again, signing all sorts of million-dollar contracts
to do all sorts of irritating shit. You just know she's going to show up on Fox
News, which is where all right wing officials-turned-pundits go to die, politically speaking. And I say, good riddance. I never see Karl Rove's ugly mug,
I don't have to listen to Newt Gingrich's attempts to sound smart for the
unwashed masses; I ignore Fox News as much as possible, because I just don't
care. Their highest-rated program has about 2.5 million viewers, three-quarters
of which are tied to chairs in nursing homes and forced to watch by orderlies,
because Murdoch probably subsidizes the home and demands it. I even toyed with
the idea of putting together an anti-Fox News blog for a while, until I
realized I'd actually have to watch that shit. My stomach couldn't handle it.


Whatever you're
going to do, Palin, go do it already. If you're going to change your mind about
quitting, then do it. If you're going to quit and go work at Fox News, or have
someone ghostwrite some more swell columns for ya at the New York Post, you betcha,
then go do it. But stop calling press conferences and talking about it, and
then complaining that the press is hounding you. Stop lying, stop trying to
pretend you know anything about politics, or even government, and please stop
speaking into microphones.


I have a headache.
Just go away…

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