Right Wing Humor: an Oxymoron in Action

I subscribe to several right wing mailing lists, because it’s best to keep up with their abject insanity. Every year at about this time. I start seeing examples from and postings for a book entitled “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy.” I’m going to provide you with some examples, and as you read them keep in mind, this is what the far right considers to be “humor.”

I actually write jokes for people sometimes. It’s not enough to constitute a “living,” but you would likely recognize some of the people I write for. For a joke to be funny, it has to be based on truth. I also have a hard and fast rule, in which I only joke “up.” Poking fun at people who are in a station above you is perfectly fine, while poking fun at those who are below you, or who are unfortunate victims of those above you is not fine at all. For example, it’s funny to make jokes at Chris Christie’s expense, but making jokes about his kids, not so much. Making fun of Kardashians is okay, but not homeless people.

Of course, the right wingers who think this kind of thing is funny actually think a lot of this crap is true, and that, in a nutshell, is why it’s possible for a conservative to be funny, but not a right winger. Seriously, have you ever met a funny Libertarian? To be fair, far lefties are rarely funny, as well. I think it has to do with the fact that they see everything as earth-shatteringly serious, or that they feel that finding humor in their pet issue is blasphemous on some level.

Anyway, these represent what your current Republican Party considers to be “funny.” They also gives us insight as to what right wingers think we liberals are about. Why we can’t use this cluelessness to our advantage, I have no idea. 

If it’s cold outside, deploy Global Warming Fun. NO. 1. Say to every liberal you meet, at every opportunity: “Brrr, it’s cold. Makes you think we could do with a bit more global warming.” Dig them hard in the ribs to emphasize how funny your joke is. Otherwise, there’s a danger they might not get it. They’re weird that way, liberals.

I actually saw this in my email during the “Arctic Vortex” that occurred a week or two ago. This type of humor actually evokes memories of standing outside my junior high school, waiting for the doors to open in the morning. It sounds like something the George Wallace fan in my 6th grade class would have said. Wait; he also worked with me in the late 1990s, and he did say something similar. Never mind.  And no, right wingers, the joke didn’t drive me crazy. It made him look like an idiot.

Oh, piece of advice: don’t dig anyone in the ribs unless you know the person well. There’s a good chance even a liberal pacifist will deck you. In Florida, he may even shoot you and claim he was “standing his ground.”

‎Pop ’round to your nearest extremist mosque with a bottle of Pepsi. Say to the Imam: “Look I know you guys say you love death more than you love this stuff. But have a sip; you might just change your mind.”

This is what the right considers “funny,” folks. Bigoted and ignorant is generally only funny to bigots. It’s also ironic, given that these folks chose a Mormon as their standard-bearer in 2012. For the record, Muslims are asked to not drink Pepsi or Coke because they contain extracts made from pork. Also, some scientists have linked carbonated drinks to cancer, and they want their people to eat and drink healthy things. It’s not because of some sinister anti-West conspiracy.

How many “extremist mosques” do these people imagine are “just around the corner”? And really, how many “Extremist Imams” does he imagine are “liberal”? And again with the irony, given how often they whine about people who “bash” Christianity.

Deploy the Reductio ad Hitleram NO. 1. In the conservative arsenal against liberal smugness, complacency, and general disgustingness, this is the equivalent of the daisy cutter bomb: devastating and unanswerable because it’s true. Hitler was a National Socialist. This means liberals, who are socialists in all but name, are Nazis. Should they question this—as they will—refer them to Jonah Goldberg’s indispensible Liberal Fascism, in which all is explained: the red in the Nazi flag represents communism; the person largely responsible for the common misconception that Nazism was a movement of the political right was Joseph Stalin—who wanted to hide the embarrassing truth of just how close it was to Soviet communism; the Nazis were no bigger on free enterprise and liberty than the Obama administration is.

Remember the rules. Humor is based on truth, and if you have to explain the joke, the joke failed. Nothing true in the above, and I’m not even sure where the joke is supposed to be, even after this explanation.

Tell a joke: Q: How can you tell when a liberal politician is lying? A: His lips move.

I once heard Henny Youngman threw the above joke away because it was too stale.

Start a rumor: Ingrid Newkirk, founder of the animal rights extremist group PETA, wasn’t just blowing off empty rhetoric when she said, “When it comes to feelings, a rat is a dog is a pig is a boy. . .” Her eco-friendly home is powered entirely by her “family” of adopted pigmy children whom she has rescued from the war-torn Congo. In return for her generous hospitality, each child spends no more than five hours a day in her basement “fun-running” on the giant hamster-style wheel that powers her turbine generator. It used to be eight hours, but she found that on a compulsory vegetarian diet the kids tended to flake out from exhaustion.

I really can’t stand Ingrid Newkirk, but it that a joke? It just looks like the expression of an ignorant right winger who thinks all liberals are vegetarian, Birkenstock-wearing, peace-sign-flashing hippies. We’re not. As for driving us crazy by starting a rumor, I don’t find Fox News funny at all, nor do they drive me crazy.

Join a liberal reading group. Propose as your first book choice The Bell Curve by Richard J. Herrnstein and Charles Murray.

What’s a “liberal reading group”? And though that book probably appears on most right wingers’ book shelves, I would almost bet more liberals have actually read it. But hey, wouldn’t that be a great prank? For a 12-year-old, I mean.

Quote G. Gordon Liddy: “A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellowman, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.”

Liddy is a convicted felon, who was tossed in prison because he was helping a politician rig an election. Of course, of the $17 trillion in debt, about $16 trillion of it was put there by right wing Republicans. Humor has to have at least a grain of truth, which disqualifies this from being humorous. Right wingers pay to line the pockets of their donors using our grandchildren’s money.

By the way, this doesn’t drive me crazy, because I know that’s how the right wing thinks, and why Republicans should not be running government.

Always refer, in pitying, sympathetic tones, to the “Liberal psychopathology.” This implies that liberalism is a form of mental illness. Which it is.

Insanity, according to Einstein, is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Let’s see… there’s trickle-down, lower taxes on the rich, deregulation… how many times will they drive the economy into the toilet before they figure out… Never mind… I’m kidding. 

Tell them the Bono joke. Bono is at a U2 concert and asks the crowd for some quiet. Slowly, to rapt silence from the audience, he begins clapping his hands and says into the microphone: “Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies.” A voice from near the front of the audience pipes up: “Well, stop clapping then.”

And here’s the thing about right wing “humor;” it always involves death and illness. Call me crazy, but what kind of sordid individual even considers the above a “joke”? Since when is the concept of African children dying funny, except to a bigot and a racist?

Watch a TV show/movie with a liberal and spend the entire time deconstructing the PC subtext of the casting. “Well that guy clearly didn’t commit the crime. We’re only meant to think he did because he’s black. But later on our prejudices will be challenged by the revelation that, guess what, the guy who really did it was the nice seeming, middle class, white, Christian businessman.”

And, of course, more racism. I abhor political correctness, whether it’s the sanitizing of Huckleberry Finn, or forcing us to use “differently-abled” when discussing those with physical infirmities. But if you want to talk about crime, the vast majority of them are committed by white self-described “Christian” businessmen. Yet, police almost always target minorities when investigating crime. Reality is pretty PC, huh?

Refer to the “Fairness Doctrine” as the “Unfairness Doctrine.” the liberals have captured Google, Wikipedia, most of the print media, television, and Hollywood. In what way is it “fair” to give the man “equal say” in talk radio as well? Liberal talk radio doesn’t get “equal” ratings; the unfairness doctrine is really just another socialist effort to kill another industry (by making talk radio boring and “forcing” government to take it over)

The Fairness Doctrine (no need for quotes; it actually existed as a real thing) can’t work these days, and it’s hard to think of a liberal who’s actually for it. So, there’s that. But the reason progressive talk radio isn’t as popular is because it’s not given a fair shake. It’s frozen out of the market by a virtual monopoly that’s developed in the radio business, in which 3-4 companies control most of the radio stations in most large markets. This should concern right wingers with a brain, because the tables will turn at some point, and they won’t like it.

On his birthday (January 17), quote Benjamin Franklin: “They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.” Tell your liberal friends Franklin was referring to government-controlled health care.

Again, there’s the truth aspect; there is no “government-controlled health care in existence right now. But something tells me Franklin would be more concerned with the Patriot Act, or the regimen we have to follow just to be able to get on a plane. And it’s their side of the aisle who thinks it’s perfectly okay to essentially rape a woman with a vaginal probe in order to stop her from having an abortion. Bet he’d have a bigger problem with that. 

Quote with appropriate reverence and non-judgmental, multicultural appreciation the great Iranian religious leader Ayatollah Khomeini: To marry a girl before she begins menstruating is “a divine blessing.” If your liberal friend starts sputtering, cheerfully inquire, “Who are you to judge another culture—you’re not Islamophobic, are you?”

More Islamic bigotry. This is what they find funny? I’d also point out that these are the same people who defended the “Christianity” of Phil Robertson, of “Duck Dynasty,” who once said men should “marry these girls when they’re about fifteen or sixteen,” and who began dating his current wife when she was fourteen and married her when she was sixteen.

Oh, aren’t those right wingers FUNNY? Golly, they sure are… to other right wingers.

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